I’m a first time mom raising a 19 month old son with my husband in a foreign country I am only starting to call home. The journey of parenthood itself is already an enigma, a hotchpotch of emotions ranging from happiness, triumph, ambivalence, anxiety, apprehension, and utter exhaustion. Raising a child in a foreign country in an interracial marriage also brings lots of opportunities for misunderstandings, comic relief and an endless amount of writing material. What isn’t lost in translation is our love for one another and for our son.

I’ve tiptoed around making direct comparisons between American and Dutch parenting because it is treacherous ground, mined with stereotypes and sweeping generalizations rich with incomplete truths.  Becoming a parent and being a parent, after all, is a universal shared experience. Regardless of what all the parenting articles, books and classes tell us (with all the conflicting messages from experts abound), chances are that our children might land in therapy anyway. The uncomfortable truth is that we’re all flying around a bit blind, especially in the beginning. In fact, each subsequent pregnancy and each child might be different experience all together, eluding the one-size-fits-all mentality.

The only way I could self-assess whether or not I was being a good enough mother was seeing how happy my non-verbal bundle of joy appeared to be and to commiserate with other moms.  While nothing can compare to real world, first hand experience of attending a play date and sharing a much needed caffè macchiato or a glass of wine with other mommy friends, I love getting lost in the world of parenting articles and books. It’s often not very easy or convenient to arrange play dates with the three and under crowd. Scheduling a play date based on respective children’s temperaments and nap schedules requires a certain finesse and a bit of mental gymnastics. Opening up a parenting book, or reading an article is a lot more forgiving to the whims of a babe (reading = when baby/toddler is asleep).

I’ve decided to pass it forward with love, thinking about my overseas BFF who just became a new mom, friends who are mommies-to-be, mommy friends and moms in general who may need a pick-me-up or two, or simply a resounding Amen.  I hope that some might also speak to you as a parent, and if not, that’s okay too- I can’t stress enough that there is not a one-size-fits all mentality for parents and children. For parents who are avid readers, a lot will be familiar because these are the very articles and books that come highly recommended.

Here is some collective wisdom about parenting and mothering I’ve gained and that the universe (family, friends, acquaintances, and writers)  has kindly bestowed upon me in the past two years:

Being a mom is enough.
Writer Rachel Marie Martin honestly shares, “Somehow in this mixed up media world of things to do and places to go and dreams to follow the beauty of simply being a mother is completely lost.”  Parenting isn’t really glamorous, but neither is real life any way. The moment we can admit that and let go of the illusion of perfection, the happier we (and our children) are going to be. I’m a firm believer that the majority of life, especially parenthood, is a sum of all the ordinary days composed of the randomness and spontaneity that children bring. Simply being a mom to my 19 month old son is enough.

Breastfeeding concerns are shared by almost all new moms.
By all means, take the breastfeeding classes and read all the recommended books by moms-in-the-know. Theory and real-world application, however, are two very different experiences. Breastfeeding in reality, however, can be a lot more challenging than what moms initially suspected and have been led to believe. Despite the World Health Organization’s recommendation to exclusively breastfeed for at least six months, only 16% of infants actually are. If it wasn’t for my sheer tenacity and prior request for a maternity nurse who was also lactation consultant, I probably would not have succeeded in breastfeeding. Kellymom has been a life savior in my darkest moments, arguably the most comprehensive resource for breastfeeding mothers in the entire web.

Be kind to your postpartum body and hormones.
Speaking of maternity nurse, one of the wisest words of wisdom she shared with my husband and me is “Remember that it took (in general) 9 months for your body to accommodate and nourish a beautifully formed human being. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. This also applies to hormones.” Learn to embrace the skin that you’re in as a mother, a new woman.

Learn to graciously accept unsolicited advice.
There’s something about the journey of parenthood, whether you are pregnant, holding a baby or running after a toddler, that inspires everyone (family, friends, neighbors, random people and even childless people) to give you advice. Though, in all honesty, I have a sneaking suspicion that unsolicited advice will continue to linger regardless of what age my child is.  While it’s also well known that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, sometimes it’s best to just be diplomatic. Also remember that just because someone voiced their opinion doesn’t necessarily mean you have to take it into consideration. In one ear, out the other.

Whether you decided to be a stay-at-home mom, work full-time, work half-time, or work at-home, there is no universal, ready-made solution.
I recently posted on Facebook “How does a mother balance her own ambitions while trying to be the best mom she can be to her child with all the conflicting messages out there? The four options seem to be stay-at-home, work-full-time, work-part-time, work- at-home. All of which are supported, or negated by current research and personal opinions from people.” I wasn’t surprise that I got different responses, some included light-hearted suggestions of cloning and the possible package of mommy guilt. Everyone unanimously agreed that there was no universal, ready-made solution and we simply have to choose what’s best for our family and for ourselves.

What is important to also address is that the real mommy wars  isn’t about career moms and stay-at-home moms, cloth diapering vs. disposables, bottle feeding vs. breast feeding. Rather, as Mikki Kendall insightfully declares, the really mommy wars are about “the war on poor mothers, on disabled mothers, on indigenous mothers, on trans mothers, on mothers who are not in heterosexual relationships, on mothers who are migrant workers, on mothers doing the most with the least.”

A lot also depends whether or not you have a partner and who that partner is. Sheryl Sandberg’s controversial second message in her Barnard commencement address (and book Lean In: Women, Work and Will to Lead) was:  “I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don’t know of a single woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully—and I mean fully—supportive of her career. No exceptions.” If we can get past the controversy Sandberg’s provocative suggestion, it is an opportunity to redefine traditional roles and allocation of household duties and child rearing.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. –Kahlil Gibran, On Children

This particular line completely resonates with me and speaks to my spirit. It’s a challenge to articulate what it is about Kahil Gibran’s poem On Children that moves me.From the moment my son was born, he had his own personality and a very strong will. As parents, it’s our duty to provide him with the right environment for him to grow into his own person. We cannot determine his full potential or try to steer him in a certain direction – it’s up to him to discover who he is and what kind of person he wants to be. It’s really all about the passion of parenting.

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
In the first chapter of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka book Raising Your Spirited Child, she shares “the reality is that children learn who they are from others in their lives.” All too often children, especially those in the tantrum phase, are given deconstructive labels such as “demanding, unpredictable, loud, argumentative” rather than uplifting ones such as holds high standards, flexible, and opinionated. The daily words we express to our children have an untellable impact on their psyche. It’s important as parents to help your kid’s inner voice be a kind one. I highly recommend the book to all parents, regardless of whether or not their child falls under being spirited.

And seriously consider the simple words “I love to watch you play.” in your daily repertoire with your children.

Parenthood and childhood is a marathon, not a sprint.
Writer Jen Hatmaker once wrote, “You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they’ll be a little older then they were today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it.” It’s time we stop saying hurry up and try to enjoy the small moments before our children’s childhood is all but a distant memory. It’s also important to be reminded what every four year old should know – the answers might surprise some of you.

“The Dutch are the most depressed people in Europe.” Pieter Smit, Volkskrant, 6 November 2013

According to The Global Burden of Diseases, Injuries, and Risk Factors Study 2010 (GBD 2010), the Dutch are the most depressed people in Europe.  GBD 2010 consisted of 488 researchers from 303 institutions in 50 countries and a consortium of prestigious institutions such as Harvard University, Johns Hopkins University, and the World Health Organization. Funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, GPD 210 is one of the most comprehensive studies ever carried out, a collaborative effort of experts in epidemiology, economics, statistics and other disciplines to measure levels and trends in all major diseases, injuries and risk factors.

Not yet shy of two months ago, the Columbia University’s Earth Institute listed the Netherlands as the 4th happiest nation in the 2013 World Happiness Report. Let’s also not forget that Dutch kids have consistently ranked as the happiest kids in the world. How can one interpret these bipolar results?

As reported in the Volkskrant, University of Amsterdam Professor of Psychiatry Jan Swinkels reminds us that “Culture plays an important role. We are a somber people, but that doesn’t mean we need more help than the Germans or Belgians. A lot depends on individual context.”

photo courtesy of Melody Rae Photography

While I am still trying to comprehend the results of the study, I am aware that there persists a certain stigma around mental health issues that may not be openly addressed among the somber Dutch. Rather than dismissing it completely, I hope that the research findings allows other qualified Dutch health professionals to provide their own expertise on the matter. While there is a chance that the Dutch may not be the most depressed people in Europe, the winter months brings about a melancholic aura in the Netherlands that cannot be easily ignored or dismissed.

What I do know is that from my own personal experience living in the Netherlands, I am prone to suffering from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) from October to April (Dutch fall and winter months). SAD, as recognized by the Mayo Clinic, is a form of depression that occurs during the winter months due to reduced exposure to sunlight. Not surprising given that there is an average of only 40 hours of sunlight in December and January in the Low Countries.

Symptoms of SAD include:

• Depression
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Loss of energy
• Heavy, “leaden” feeling in the arms or legs
• Social withdrawal
• Oversleeping
• Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
• Weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating

I could, in true Dutch fashion, start complaining with the rest of the Dutch just how utterly disenchanting and oppressive eight out of the twelve months of the year truly is. However, this post is more about trying to lift up our spirits already heavy from the dark gray clouds, the blistering cold wind, the perpetual rain/hail/snow that will haunt us for the next couple of months. I’m here to share with you my 4 ways of coping with Dutch winter blues:

Disclaimer:  I am a seasoned expat in the Netherlands and would love to give advice to other expats and fellow Dutchies suffering from the winter blues. However, I am not a licensed physician, nurse, nurse practitioner, psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist. Please consult a registered medical professional if you feel that you are suffering from depression and/or seasonal affective disorder.

1. Take a Sun Vacation or Better Yet, Dream One Away (Or Do Both)

I can clearly remember heading towards my general practitioner’s office feeling I could possibly be depressed my first October here as an expat. I was in love with my soul-mate after all and didn’t understand what I was feeling. After telling her my symptoms and talking for a while, she smiled and told me to take a sun vacation, doctor’s orders. Ever since that fateful GP visit (and before becoming parents), my husband and I would always spend about 2-3 weeks in California every December. Not exactly a stereotypical sun vacation, but we got plenty of sunshine along with incredible food, beautiful nature, and perhaps the best cure to any winter blues – sharing love and laughter among our dearest friends and family in back in the Bay Area. There would always include a mini-roadtrip to Southern California too.

If you can’t actually take a sun vacation, Pinterest one anyway.  A New York Times article highlighted a study conducted by researchers in the Netherlands that measured the effects that vacations have on overall happiness and how long the effects lasted. The study, published in the journal Applied Research in Quality of Life, highlighted that the largest increase in happiness came from the simple act of planning a vacation. The effect of anticipation for going on vacation lasted on average eight weeks. Interestingly, the happiness levels of people quickly dropped upon returning from vacation.

2. Take Vitamin D Supplements

Please consult your general practitioner before taking Vitamin D supplements.

You might want to consider taking Vitamin D supplements. Some studies suggest an association between low vitamin D levels in the blood and various mood disorders, including depression and seasonal affective disorder (SAD). In one study, taking vitamin D regularly was found to improve symptoms of SAD better than light therapy. Further research studies are necessary to confirm these findings.

3. Surround Yourself With Friends and Family (Preferably Positive People)

If I ever actually get the chance (the joys of expat motherhood), my inner introvert self prefers staying at home, getting lost in a good book, and writing behind my macbook air, safe and warm in front of the fire place. I do, however, make a concerted effort, to spend some time with other kindred spirits (my girls, you know who you are). In a compelling article titled “Top five regrets of the dying“, letting golden friendship slip by through the years was one of the biggest regrets of those lying on their death bed. Hopefully, these treasured souls are generally a ray of sunshine too because hanging out with really pessimistic people may get you even more depressed.

 4. Exercise

Who could ever forget Legally Blond’s Elle Wood’s (Reese Witherspoon) ingeneous theory that “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” While exercising outside in the blistering Dutch cold might not be everyone’s cup of tea, going to a gym may do wonders for your mental health. If you’re a mom and have trouble finding a babysitter to work-out,  five minute dances to your favorite songs interspersed throughout the day with your baby/ toddler can go a long way to keeping those blues in check and making memories with your precious bundle of joy.

Do you really think that the Dutch are the most depressed people in Europe?

Do you ever experience SAD? If yes, what are your coping strategies? Are they similar to mine? I’d love hear how other expats and Dutchies survive the winter months in the Low Countries.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Unfortunately, Halloween isn’t officially celebrated in the Netherlands. Rumor has it that the American holiday is slowly, but surely becoming more popular. However, the idea of door-to-door trick or treating may take more time for the Dutchies to catch on. There is, however, the holiday tradition of Saint Martin (November 11), a very similar holiday in which kids go around in the neighborhood, carry lanterns around and sing songs in exchange for some sweets.

What is an American expat mommy to do? Throw a pot-luck Halloween Part of course! We threw the party last Saturday for convenience’s sake. My friends were all excited to have their little ones dress up and of course,  in true Indonesian, Filipino, and American form, have a great excuse to get together and party. The weather gods were kind to us and it was a beautiful Fall day filled with lots of sunshine, laughter,  and love.

Snapshots from top to bottom, left to right! Filipino lumpia, savory biscuits, jasmine rice, rendang, opor ayam, atchar, emping, and atchar.

Snapshots from top to bottom, left to right: Mango cupcakes, lychee pudding, ube cake, spanish breads, sugar cookies, and chocolate cupcakes.

Hello everyone! How was everyone’s weekend?

This weekend we did a bit of a “Fall cleaning”. There’s something about the crisp, Autumn air that inspires my husband and I to “step-up”, both in terms of our own personal ambitions but also with fostering and nurturing our family.

I love alternating between busy scheduled weekends with more down-to-earth, relaxed ones that allow us to just stay home, relax and finally get around to chores such as mowing the lawn, cleaning up the garage and organizing the side-kitchen (bijkeuken).  For the most part, my husband and I are still playing “house”, learning the ins and outs of what grownup living is all about.

I was also able dedicate an entire day working on my blog – relatively uninterrupted ME time and the satisfaction of being alone with my thoughts. I started blogging because I needed to find a room of my own – a place where I can develop my writing skills, to utilize the remaining brain cells I had left after self-diagnosing myself with mommy brain and to not feel completely and utterly socially isolated. I appreciated the time to really think about my blog, my aspirations for it and what direction I want to be headed in. Suffice to say,  finding the time and energy to write is an everyday challenge , but I have fallen in love with it.

Thanks to your comments, likes, personal messages, and tweets, I no longer feel so alone any more in the Low Countries. Thank-you.

I’m also “competing” in my first ever blogging competition (Expatica’s “I Am Not A Tourist” blogging competition). If you like what you’re reading and would like to give me some support, please vote for me here:

To get your week started, here are some interesting and helpful links:

TED Talks are lying to you.

I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I would want to raise her this way.

Serious about learning a foreign language (like Dutch)?

Tips for living in small spaces – useful for living in the Netherlands.

There’s nothing like a good book and a cup of tea at the end of a long day. Learn to make the perfect tea.

And pictures are worth a thousand words. Useful insight on how to take better photos.

Actually useful unsolicited mothering advice.

5 profound insights on success from a Wharton Prof devoted to understanding it.