Parenting

This Dutch American Life

8 November 2019
By

“Oh, wat een rijkdom (what a richness),” said an elderly lady as she randomly stops us on the street. Her wistful eyes are fixated on my baby girl warmly wrapped inside my jacket as I hold hands with my two oldest.

“Dank u wel (thank you),” I reply, slightly embarrassed and grateful for the gentle reminder. 

”Wat een rijkdom” seems to be a favorite expression among the Dutch pensioners who call our village home. We hear it everywhere we go  – on the street, at the supermarket, the bakery, the fishmonger, and the butcher. 

I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment that children are among life’s greatest treasures but hearing them referred to as a rijkdom by people well into their sunset years adds a sense of depth and urgency. It’s a mental note to live in the here and now and enjoy my children, especially when they’re young.  

Like everyone else in the throes of early motherhood, I find myself preoccupied with a mental list of unending chores – cooking, feeding, diapers, cleaning, laundry, diapers, school pick-ups, and drop-offs. Being on my feet all day, dressed in clothes splotched with remnants from the latest meal, with a baby attached to my hip, I’m naturally inclined to feel everything but glamorous. 

But when I take a step back from my myopic present and take an honest estimation of my circumstances, it really is a brilliant, rich life. My family and I live a life of privilege because of the humane social policies and culture of the Netherlands. 

Hearing “wat een rijkdom” so frequently inspired me to simply soak it all in and revel in the moments of pure joy amidst all the chaos, exhaustion, tears, and frustrations that color these early years.  

I appreciate you all for continuing to follow my little blog on the internet.  I’m #sorrynotsorry for taking a break from writing and focusing solely on being a mom. I learned as I was writing my book that my own personal happiness influenced my children’s well-being. Writing within the margins of early motherhood is too stressful for me and made me anxious of running on empty. 

Consider me now officially back from my writing sabbatical.  My cup is overflowing with gratitude for this Dutch American life, brimming with lots of ideas. It’s an honor and a privilege to share my observations about Dutch culture and life in the Low Countries. I hope at the very least you can leave my site feeling a little inspired and, for those familiar with the Dutch, that our posts deeply resonate with your own experiences, memories and understanding of the culture. 

Kicking off this new life to Finding Dutchland, for the whole month of November, our Kindle e-book is now available for only $1.99 for our American audiences. In England and the Netherlands, new paperback editions of the book are widely available. And we’ve lost count of the other countries we’ve been published in, but just now, a lovely Turkish edition came out. 

In case you missed it, here is Michele Hutchison’s viral TedX Kazimierz post:

An American Immigrant in Holland

18 July 2018
By

There is nothing like the anticipation of a new baby and the Fourth of July that inspires an American immigrant in Holland like me to do some soul-searching and re-evaluation of life choices. My Dutch husband and I even entertained the idea of moving back to the United States. And as much as I was homesick (thanks pregnancy hormones), to my surprise, I hesitated. I’ve fallen in love with life in this obscure Northern Western European country.

I’m proud to be an American. I am aware of the price paid for the privilege of possessing an American passport: my parents left the Philippines to pursue the conventional promise of material success and a meritocracy. I’m also a firm believer that one can be profoundly affected by the current horrors experienced in America while also remaining hopeful that things can change for the better.

And if there’s anything I learned from life in general, it is to think critically, advocate for improvement and provide some alternative solutions to accomplish it. So in the spirit of America’s birthday, here are some aspects of Dutch life that may inspire my fellow Americans to help live their best life:

 

An Effective Model Healthcare System

According to the most recent ranking of healthcare systems conducted by the Commonwealth Fund, the Netherlands is among the top three countries for healthcare. Ironically, the United States government and people spend considerably the most, ranks at the very bottom. One can thank a lack of insurance coverage, administrative inefficiency, and underperforming primary care as the reasons why U.S. healthcare is a hot mess.

 

As someone who hasn’t had the best of luck when it comes to health (hello high-risk pregnancy number 3!), there is a lot of comfort and security living in a country that provides compassionate and affordable healthcare on the premise of universal health care coverage.

 

A bonus: nowhere in the world is there anything like the Dutch postpartum maternity system (kraamverzorgsters). There are similar programs in the United Kingdom and Germany, but none go as far as nurturing the postpartum mother in need of tender, love, and care. Not only do they monitor the physical well-being of mother and child, but they also help with light household chores, take care of older children, and prepare meals.

 

A Safe Learning Environment for All Children

A popular book circulating among my American mommy friends is “I’m Not Scared, I’m Prepared” by Julia Cook. It’s about what a child should do if a “dangerous someone” is in their school.  I may not have grown up in a stereotypical all-American home (read = immigrant Filipino family) but even I know this cannot be the new normal. Schools should be a safe, nurturing place for children to learn, to explore and to make friends. The biggest concern my Dutch-American six-year-old has is who his playdate will be after school.  

Work-Life Balance

There’s this pervasive idea in America that work-life balance is a myth and that being “busy and stressed out” is not only socially acceptable, but a status symbol to aspire to and a sign that you’re winning at adulting. Yet the Netherlands, a country that is the fourth most competitive in the world according to World Economic Forum,  doesn’t buy into that unhealthy, soul-crushing status quo. Over on this side of the pond, the Dutch believe that a healthy balance between work and life is not only possible but should be normal. The Dutch are proud to work the least amount of hours on the planet and still accomplish an enviable high quality of life.

 

In an article in parents.com, Tina Fey said, “The ideal situation for a parent is one that no one has—having a fulfilling job that requires you to work three days a week. It’s better for the parents because they get to spend time with the children and also have a source of pride and achievement—and income—outside the home.” Ms. Fey, I guarantee you that this does exist. Millions of people in the Netherlands are living this reality.

 

A Less Commercial, Status Conscious Lifestyle

Perhaps the most refreshing aspect of living in Holland is that there is much more focus on being part of a community, of belonging, and less emphasis on status and material success. It’s about enjoying a borrel (Dutch happy hour) after work with friends and colleagues, volunteering at the local sports clubs and schools, eating breakfast and dinner as a family regularly, going out for walks in nature, and making time for yourself to do whatever you please. And as I’ve learned recently when I ended up spontaneously having coffee with ten other school parents in the local café, it’s also about simply showing up and being part of the village.




























Op Camp – How Dutch Secondary School Kids Learn Grit

16 September 2017
By


(Photo by Alaric Hartsock )

In The Happiest Kids in the World, we wrote about how Dutch children toughen up by cycling to school and playing sports in all weathers. Things are taken to the next level at secondary school as I recently found out.

The tradition of going away on school camp starts as early as six or seven at primary school. By the time they are teenagers, Dutch children are well used to spending time away from their parents. And not only from their parents, they also have to leave their telephones and all electronic devices home too. Camps are an important step in growing in self-confidence and independence and bonding with classmates in a low-key environment.

I didn’t see the episode of Modern Family in which the mother dumps her oldest child without money or telephone leaving her to find her own way home so she has something to write about on her college application until after Rina had written about it in our book, but I’ve caught up on it since. The daughter gets home alright, but boy she’s mad at her mum. The Dutch have a similar tradition, hilariously called a dropping. (I once had to edit a text written by a Dutch person who’d simply called these ‘droppings’ in English. ) Ben’s third-year camp started with a ‘dropping’.

Having packed a big rucksack with camping gear, Ben set off for school on his bike on Monday morning. The children were taken by coach down to South Limburg, split into groups of four or five and randomly dropped at places in the countryside. They had maps, a compass and one emergency phone in a sealed envelope per group. They were to make their own way to a campsite.

 

Meanwhile, storms were raging all across the country and would continue to rage for the days to come. I spent the time feeling terribly sorry for my son who would be drenched I was sure. I also wondered whether their tents would actually be swept or washed away and how they would deal with that. I wasn’t particularly worried that he wouldn’t cope since at thirteen Ben is strong, hardy and independent. A typical Dutch teenager, as I pride myself.

He duly arrived back on his bike on Wednesday in the late afternoon wearing the same clothes he’d set off in. What was it like? I asked. ‘Oh fun, and also not,’ he said wryly. None of the kids had been very good at putting up the tents and every night they’d all blown down. They hadn’t been able to get them back up in the dark and had simply slept in the collapsed tents. I couldn’t help but laugh at the image this brought to mind. His group had arrived at the campsite within a couple of hours, but other groups hadn’t got there until much later. And they’d also got lost again the next day on a mountain biking ride. At one point, they’d stood waiting for help and a group of teachers had driven past them waving cheerily. They hadn’t been able to get them to stop. Teenagers can look after themselves, if only you give them the chance.

‘Oh, Mum,’ Ben said then. ‘I was the only one not to be taken to school and collected in the car, with all this heavy stuff, you know.’

‘Oops,’ I said. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to know just how Dutch I should be.’

 




























A Note from Yours Truly (And Speaking Event)

13 September 2017
By

event

Hey Finding Dutchland friends and followers,

I can’t believe it’s Fall already! How has everyone been? When I started blogging in 2012, I had no idea that the ideas jotted down on Finding Dutchland would eventually lead to a book. What was evident, however, was that parents around the world all have a common desire to raise happy, self-aware, independent children. And it happens that the Netherlands is accomplishing this en masse.  To provide a complete story of parenting in the Netherlands, as well as adding another (British) perspective, Michele Hutchison came to join me.

 

As a foreigner raising two young kids in the Netherlands and married to a Dutch entrepreneur, it wasn’t all that easy co-writing my first book. The actual writing happened six weeks after I gave birth to my second son Matteo. And it had to be written in six months. It was a whirlwind experience, and staying true to my words about raising “the happiest kids in the world” – there wasn’t that much time to blog.  

Now that the intense book writing phase is long over, interviews with the press and publicity are winding down, and the kids are back in school (at least, three out of the four),  we’re excited to pick up blogging again and will be doing more speaking events.  Join Michele and me this coming Monday, September 18, 2017, at the International School of Amsterdam as we talk about what exactly the Dutch are doing right when it comes to parenting. The John Adams Institute has kindly decided to host us, and we’re looking forward to such an eventful night. At the very least, you’ll get to meet us, up close and personal. We promise we’re quite entertaining and honest (at least, we’d like to think so).

 

Thanks for your continued support. Hopefully, you’ll be looking forward to more of our musings about life, culture, and parenting in the Netherlands.

 

Love,

Rina Mae

 

p.s. If you’re curious about our behind-the-scenes Dutched reality, take a peek on our Instagram accounts findingdutchland, rinamae and michelehutchison.

p.p.s. A perfect place to procrastinate is on our Facebook page where we share random updates concerning all things about Dutch culture, the Netherlands, and parenting.

 

 

(Photo by Rosa van Ederen)






















Dutch Parenting in New York

3 July 2017
By

Manon and her Dutch-American children

One question people often ask is how easy is it to put Dutch parenting into practice in other countries. Obviously, a lot of things are dependent on the environment in which you live. A common remark is that without a safe cycling network it’s not going to be very easy to let your kids cycle to school. Other environmental factors such as medical care, schooling, and social services also play into local parenting cultures. However, some of what Rina and I wrote about in The Happiest Kids in the World is absolutely transportable. Simple pleasures, like eating chocolate sprinkles for one, or more seriously, encouraging outdoor play, teaching independence, and easing off on the pressure to excel.

During a lively crowd discussion on this subject at our book launch in New York this spring, an attractive middle-aged woman stood up and said that she was a Dutch mother who had raised her two children in Manhattan in the Dutch way. Only after reading our book did her children, now 18 and 24, realize where she’d been coming from all this time. It was a eureka moment for them. They now knew why her priorities had been fostering independence and a sense of responsibility and why she’d seemed so laid back about some things. The Dutch woman went on to say it had been a eureka moment for her too, ‘after not even realizing where it all came from!’

Last week, Manon Chevallerau was in Amsterdam for her mother’s 90th birthday so I gladly met up with her to discuss how she’d coped with the social pressure to do things the American way and stuck to her Dutch roots. ‘It wasn’t hard, not even as a single mother, which makes it all the more of a challenge to trust your own instincts,’ she told me. ‘I just stood up for what I believed in. I did what was natural to me, following the way I’d been brought up. I didn’t really think twice about it.’ As she was saying this, I realized what an incredibly strong woman she is and how she reminds me of so many other Dutch women I know.

Dutch women have a magic mixture of self-confidence, a can-do attitude, and a hard shell that allows them not to be swayed by what others think or want them to do. It was this, more than anything else, that allowed Manon to go against the tide. British and American women seem less confident as moms. We are more conscious of how we parent and worried that others will judge us. This fits with Manon’s perception of American women, too, though it took her some time to realize it. ‘They might be less in tune with their maternal instincts because of all the social pressures,’ she offered.

 

Manon’s Downtown mother support group in 2004

Not just a Dutch-style parent, Manon has also imported kraamzorg – post-partum care – to New York and offers her services to new parents as a doula. After her daughter’s birth in 1999, she started working to assist new parents, taking care of the tired mom, helping parents set up their house and teaching them all the basics. There was a massive uptake after the post 9/11 baby boom. Although it’s a long way from free state-provided care, just putting the concept into practice can show people how valuable kraamzorg can be and start them off thinking about the need for it. ‘Being Dutch gave me the ability to bring a personal touch into my services, with guiding during breastfeeding, baby care and understanding the babies personality and cues so that new parents are able to tune into that instinct and learn to trust it and build confidence. In addition, I led the very first Downtown NYC mother and father support groups and hosted Work / Life Corporate Seminars for pregnant and new working parents,’ she said.

After living here for 13 years, I have come to value Dutch directness and a common sense approach to parenting. Manon agrees it’s a good thing, and what’s more, Dutch women are powerful. They don’t let anyone else tell them how to be. Basically, Dutch women kick ass.































The Simple Message Behind Miffy, the Beloved Dutch Character

14 June 2017
By

Father’s day is around the corner, and I can’t help but think of the unofficial Opa (grandfather) of the Netherlands: Dick Bruna. With nothing more than a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and a desire to entertain his young son during a rainy, seaside holiday, Bruna created Miffy, known as Nijntje (pronounced nein-che, “little rabbit”) in Holland. With his signature gray hair and mustache, round glasses, and soft-hearted nature, Bruna reminded me of a real-world version of Mister Gepetto from “The Adventures of Pinocchio.” As Gepetto-incarnate, ever so humble and kind, Bruna’s brought so much happiness to everyone who stumbled upon his work.

Bruna had an innate understanding of the world of children, creating characters, settings and rhyming storylines that were as simple as possible.  Like a wise, kind grandfather figure, Bruna celebrated what we as adults often take for granted and consider insignificant minutiae of life but are held dear to small children – getting ready for bed, preparing breakfast, celebrating a birthday, going to the beach, visiting the zoo, and riding a bike.

For many Dutch children, the Miffy books are their first introduction to reading. Ina, the ten-year-old daughter of Michele Hutchison – the co-author of our recently published book, The Happiest Kids in the World – says, “my favorite book when I was little was Miffy at the Zoo. I like how the stories rhyme.” “The writer Dick Bruna died recently and that’s really sad,” she said, clearly still remembering the sense of loss that was felt across the nation, and reverberated around the world. My husband Bram often reads the Miffy books to our two boys, and bedtime wouldn’t be complete without a stuffed Miffy doll in our almost two-year-old’s arms.

 

Bruna’s stories evoke nostalgia in parents, highlighting common, everyday experiences all children are familiar with. Getting lost in the world of Miffy and friends gives us the opportunity to re-realize that childhood (and life in general) is really all about the small, simple everyday pleasures. “I always loved the drawings; they are so simple and colorful. They made the books really special,” says Ina’s eleven-year-old friend Noor.

For children around the world, especially in Holland and in Japan, Miffy is very much alive. Her influence extends beyond the pages of the books she’s featured in.  Miffy is everywhere young children can be found: nursery decorations, street signs warning drivers to slow down, schools, museums, parks, beaches, zoos, and airports. And for many Dutch children, childhood isn’t complete without the joy of Miffy. And as grown-ups, many Dutch people can still quote their favorite Miffy books off by heart.
It isn’t hard to imagine Bruna as an honorary grandfather figure in his home country, especially in Utrecht where he was born and where he lived most of his life. Despite being a world-renowned artist who sold over 85 million copies of 100-odd Miffy books, Bruna remained an unassuming familiar fixture at a local neighborhood café in Utrecht for decades, greeting fans and familiar faces. He would also randomly appear, unannounced to the delight of children and parents, to Miffy-related performances and events. Bruna knew the secret to living a life well lived, having once been quoted, “For me, happiness is cycling to my studio very early in the morning.”


Rina Mae Acosta is the co-author, with Michele Hutchison, of “The Happiest Kids in the World How Dutch Parents Help Their Kids (and Themselves) by Doing Less.”

 

 

























An Interview with an English Dad Blogger

2 June 2017
By

Last week Jamie interviewed Rina and me about Dutch dads for his own blog. I thought it would be nice to ask him a few questions back about what it’s like raising his kids in the UK right now. It was also great to get to chat to another fellow blogger and parent.

Let’s first introduce you to our readers…

I’m Jamie Day and I write an award-winning (no, really) dad blog called A Day In The Life Dad. I’ve been blogging since August 2015… so coming up to two years. I’m dad/climbing frame/ponytail fixer/train track builder to Edie and Arlo.

I’m also the new Editor of dad blogzine Father Inc and I contribute monthly pieces to other magazines and websites.

Jamie, what got you into blogging? What’s your main line of work (or daily activity)?

I love writing and I love my children; put the two together and you’ve basically got a dad blog… My wife, Georgia was the one who actually encouraged me to start. She’d seen so many mums doing well online but noticed a distinct lack of decent dad writers, so she bullied me into giving it a go. God damn her!

What’s it like raising kids in the UK for you? Did you agree with some of the experiences my English friends described in the book? 

Things are getting better for us dads. In most places, men can now share paternity leave and there are a lot more opportunities to work from home. That said, often when I’m out with my children I find I’m the only dad there. Where are all the other dads? Hopefully not chained to their desk.

What are the main challenges English parents face, in your opinion? Did you move to the countryside to get away from some of them?

Life with kids in the UK seems to go at 100mph. Aside from day to day family life, there’s this scary social pressure of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ or perhaps that should now be ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ given this pressure has emerged from social media. This competitiveness is seemingly ingrained into our British consciousness and it’s starting to get out of hand. Our children must go to a certain school, they must have expensive toys and they must wear monochrome! There’s so much pressure on parents and children, we often forget the fundamental basics of just living and enjoying life with our children. We moved out of London to the countryside for some space, more time together and just to slow down a bit.

How much freedom can you allow your kids and how much freedom do you want to allow them?

When my children are a bit older, I’d love nothing more than to allow them to disappear for the day on their bikes, like the Dutch do, so they can enjoy some freedom. My childhood was like that but sadly those days seem like a long time ago. Nowadays parents fear what might happen and unfortunately, I don’t think we’ll see a return of such independence. So in reality, I’ll try and give them as much freedom as possible, but will always have one eye on what they’re up to.

How old are your kids now and how do you and your partner share the home workload?

My daughter Edie is 4 and my son Arlo is 1. My wife Georgia works in London and doesn’t get home until late, so I have the kids morning and night, and then the weekends are spent together trying to slow down a little.

Are attitudes to hands-on dads changing much?

I don’t have to go far with the kids before I hear “you’re on daddy duty are you?” or “you’re babysitting the kids are you?” Er, no actually. It’s called parenting. Slowly attitudes are changing, but there’s a long way to go before hands-on dads are seen as the norm.

What about gender reinforcement? I see more back home than here.

My son likes to play with diggers as much as he likes to play with garishly pink dolls, and my daughter likes sword fights as much as she likes swinging from a tree. I just want them to be happy and I don’t waste my time on narrow-minded people who can’t appreciate that.

What is your next parenting goal?

Aside from getting Edie to stop waking me up at 4am? There are lots of small things, like teaching Edie to swim without arm bands and Arlo needs to start playing football soon if he’s ever going to get signed up by Real Madrid, but more importantly, I just want them to continue being happy, carefree, innocent children. In a world riddled with problems, children like them are the future.

How could British parents adopt a more Dutch parenting approach?

We should just simplify family life and enjoy spending time together. I for one am guilty of over-thinking family time and planning extravagant and expensive outings, that whilst lovely, aren’t always necessary. Time just spent simply enjoying each other’s company could be even more fun and importantly, rewarding for the children.
Follow Jamie here:
Instagram: @adayinthelifedad
Facebook: @adayinthelifedad
Twitter: @dayinthelifedad

And fellow mum or dad bloggers from around the world – we’d love to exchange thoughts and experiences with you too, so do write in.

























Reclaiming Summer Vacation, the Dutch Way

1 June 2017
By

Summer has (un)officially arrived, or is just around the corner. Images of lazy days of children playing at the beach and bright blue skies at some exotic destination or summer camps in pristine nature come to mind. Yet the reality is, for many families, summer is a “financial and logistical nightmare“.

Most of us cannot afford to take the entire time off – ten to eleven weeks for American children and five to six weeks for the Dutch.  There’s also this unspoken, often self-imposed pressure to give our children an amazing, magical summer experience. And if we’re fortunate enough to be able to take a week or two,  there’s this pervasive idea that a ” fantastic family summer vacation” is synonymous with plane tickets, hotel stays, and (exotic) exciting destinations. Think a trip to Disneyland, lounging around Aix en Provence, an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, or doing some island hopping in Hawaii.  And with that naturally, comes the feeling of guilt and jealousy of others if we fall short of living up to these expectations.

But for the Dutch, summer is something that they all seem to look forward to without that emotional and financial baggage. After doing some (Google) research,  interviewing dozens of Dutch families, and reflecting on my own personal experience as a child and then a mother, I think I’m onto something. And I am convinced that the secret lies in embracing three complementary things: low-cost, down-to-earth activities, boredom, and Dutch gezelligheid.

 

Embracing low-cost, down-to-earth activities

What’s admirable about the Dutch is that they take pride in being cheap. They’re able to have wonderful, memorable moments without feeling compelled to break the bank. In fact, the less they spend, the happier they are and the more bragging rights they have. This summer, my family and I decided to have a staycation in the Netherlands. Be prepared for regular pictures of us at the local beach and eating our homemade sandwiches.

Some suggestions are:

Camping

Nothing screams a Dutch holiday than camping. Whether it’s doing it the classic way of pitching up your own tent, going all out on a caravan, or glamping. Camping is a beloved Dutch institution that crosses all socioeconomic lines. There are even camps in France, Spain, and Italy that cater to the Dutch clientele, providing them with Heineken, Dutch farmer’s cheese, peanut butter, and their favorite brand of toilet paper.

Playing Tourist in Your Homebase

I love playing “tourist” in the area of where I live. A trip to the local ice-cream shop, library, park, nature reserve, beach,  a museum can be glorious.  

Bonus if you live in the Netherlands or have easy access to the Low Countries
One of the best-kept secrets in the Netherlands is its white sand beaches. Castricum aan Zee, Zandvoort, Bloemendaal, and Scheveningen are our favorite, family friendly beaches to go to

 

Embracing Boredom

In an ideal world, I would love “boredom” to be the next parenting trend (second, of course, to going Dutch).  According to research (http://www.bbc.com/news/education-21895704), ” Children need to have stand-and-stare time, time imagining and pursuing their own thinking processes or assimilating their experiences through play or just observing the world around them.” Boredom, or more accurately, unstructured time facilitates this.

 

Dutch parents believe in the gift of boredom. For them, it means allowing children to simply play outside in their living rooms or the garden, or with neighborhood children out on the streets left to their own devices.

 

Dutch Gezelligheid

“Gezelligheid” is an untranslatable word that encompasses the feeling of coziness, warmth, love and belonging. It’s similar to the trendy Danish Hygge in that it embraces the idea of enjoying life’s simple pleasures. What puts Dutch gezelligheid above its Danish cousin Hygge is that gezelligheid is primarily focused on relationships, on spending time together. Gezelligheid is done with other people, not on your own. Let that sink in for a moment. Gezelligheid is really is about relationships and nurturing the ties that bind. Think sharing stories over a campfire, running around the sprinkler on the grass, baking a birthday cake, having pancakes for dinner.  It’s all about the quality of time spent together as a family.  And though we all live busy lives, if we can give them at least twenty minutes of our undivided attention regularly, it goes a long way.

 

Children, especially in the early years, won’t remember the details of their summer vacation but rather how they felt when they were with their parents. Recently, British child psychologist Oliver James even went as far as to suggest that taking your children on foreign holidays is bad for their mental health. Though I don’t personally agree with him in that regards, I do think there is a lot of truth when he argues that “children are easily pleased by the simple things”.


And more often than not, it’s the simple things – often that are free or don’t cost too much – like playing hide and seek at home, dancing and singing along their favorite songs, or having a picnic in the backyard, are what children consider magical. In fact, it’s all about simply spending time with each other. Dutch parents place a lot of emphasis on family togetherness, on simply being present with their children. This is what the concerted effort goes into – not the details of the actual vacation.

 
P.s. Does this resonate with you? Any chance you may be inspired going Dutch, parenting-wise? Well, we wrote a book about it.

 

 




































My Dutch Life: Netherlands vs South Africa

21 April 2017
By
Maya

I recently spent a week in Cape Town, South Africa where enthusiasm for The Happiest Kids in the World was overwhelming. I was interviewed for various magazines and given a lot of air-time on the radio. Rina gave some interviews too, by remote. The journalists and parents I spoke to all admitted to being overwhelmed by the current parenting culture. The country is still divided with a massive gap between rich and poor. Affluent parents tend to be overprotective due to the climate of fear, schools are apparently strict and old-fashioned in their teaching methods, and children have very little freedom as a result. Parents from poorer communities struggle with social inequality and cling on to the idea that tough discipline will prepare their children for the real world.

I interviewed Karmen van Rensburg, a South African designer married to a Dutchman about her life as a mother there.
Karm and Maya


First tell me a bit about yourself and how you grew up. What kind of school did you go to? Were your parents strict? Could you roam freely, play outside etc?

I was born in Port Elizabeth, a seaside town in the Eastern cape. We had a large house, garden and a pool – like most middle class people in the area. Both my parents worked full time, so I was looked after by a black woman called Nellie, who lived with us and whom I adored. I went to an English creche (we are Afrikaans speaking) and I remember that being alienating. I completed grade one in an Afrikaans goverment school called (horror): Hendrik Verwoerd. The architect of Apartheid. My parents were very liberal, but that was the system we grew up in.

When I was 7 we moved to a small town in Zululand, Empangeni. There I attended 2 different government schools (we moved house) and I liked the second one. It was special in that the teachers focused more on individual and cultural development than the average government school. They even had optional extramural classes about Archaeology in grade 3! I was neither sporty nor competitive so I flourished here. We had a huge unkept tropical double garden with countless fruit trees, strange lizards, chickens, rabbits and a dog. We ‘roamed free’ in our garden and at friends’ houses. My parents were not strict but politically it was a very tense and violent time in the country, especially in Zululand where we lived, and my mother, a journalist, was extremely anxious.

When I was 9 we moved to Johannesburg, where I stayed until I completed high school.  I passionately hated both my Afrikaans mainstream primary and high-schools. High school was huge, with ugly uncomfortable uniforms, sports-obsessed, competitive, strict, racist and extremely conservative. It was definitely no place for non-conformists or even individuals. Life besides school was good though – we lived in suburbia and played and cycled in the streets there, although not completely carefree – always aware of possible danger – in Johannesburg crime was picking up rapidly.

My marks were good, and in high school I rebelled by bunking school as often as possible. I got away with it mostly – we lived close to the school and I (often with a brave friend) would just return home after my parents went to work. We would take the bus to Hillbrow for the day, or hang out in the park. In my last school year, I was absent almost as many days as being present. A record I was proud of. The teachers turned a blind eye or gave up on me, didn’t care. My parents were largely unaware.

What a waste of an education! The irony is I loved to read, and learn. But the way lessons were presented by mostly unenthusiastic, frustrated teachers and the way we were treated and the pressure of conforming brought out the worst in my teenage self.


Your daughter was born in the Netherlands so you had some experience of child-raising there and now you’re back in South Africa with her. What are some of the cultural differences?

In Amsterdam where I lived, motherhood is percieved as an adventure to be enjoyed, the moms I knew where relaxed, took it in their stride. It helped tremendously to be able to work part-time – as an art director it’s unheard of in SA. Family-life in Netherlands seems to be valued by society and the workforce – even fathers get to spend time with their children. An ideal society to raise a child.

Sadly, in South Africa, work-life is much more intense, faster, more cut throat as there’s more at stake (there are no social grants, the unemployement rate is 27%). The economy and politics are volatile. Crime is rife. Having a baby is more of a handicap, a spanner in the works.

For the middle class, there is rarely ouma / oupa days, (IF they live close by, they’re often still working). ATV days don’t exist and both parents mostly work full time. The child goes to daycare 5 days a week, or stays at home with a nanny. In the townships and poorer communities, they stay with the unemployed family member or grandparent. It must seem really bizarre that I chose to return!


What are the main challenges of raising children in South Africa?

For a start, earning enough money for school fees. The quality of the education system has declined rapidly. Private schools are expensive and often elitist. Crime & safety is a real issue. There’s definitely no ‘roaming the streets’ anymore. Rape statistics are among the higest in the world. Here we either live on the edge, or if you’re wealthy, in a bubble.

Teaching your child about justice in a corrupt and very unjust society is a huge personal challenge.


The schools seem really strict from what your daughter told me. Why is that? Do you see any benefits?

I suppose it’s the only way that they know to try and create discipline.Teachers are underpaid and stretched thin. Many of the rules are just petty though and make no sense to me at all. I can see the benefits of wearing uniforms in an unequal society, although I don’t see why they need to be so formal and uncomfortable.
We have enrolled her in a lovely Montessori school on a farm and are on the waiting list.

The school she’s in now is in an affluent area, and I think some wealthy children probably benefit indirectly from the standardisation and strict rules, to keep them from becoming too entitled…

 

karm and alf























How the Happiest Kids in the World Celebrate Their Birthdays

13 April 2017
By

happiest-kids-birthday-party

Children’s birthday parties carry a lot of emotional baggage for parents across the pond.Where I come from, parents, especially moms, are expected to throw the perfect birthday bash for the special snowflake(s) in their life. This includes intensive planning at least three months ahead, picking a theme, coming up with giveaways, entertainment and spending a fortune. There’s even a market for children’s event designers who go beyond just being party planners because they create custom experiences rather than generic events. This is all based on the premise that we want our precious bundle of joy to feel loved on his special day. And of course, in the air is that unspoken “friendly” mompetition. Whether the pressure is self-imposed, culturally expected, or an unhealthy mix of both, a lot of parents are under pressure to execute the perfect birthday party.
When did children’s birthday parties transform into these elaborate affairs? How did we actually get here? I readily bought into the idea that the more neurotic I was about all the imaginable details of my child’s birthday party, the more I could prove to my child and the world how much I loved him. It simply became second nature to me.

 

Rather, there’s a lot of anxiety, fear of disappointing their child, and being judged by other parents. No wonder that for many, modern parenting has become all joy and no fun.

 

So when I discovered that middle-class Dutch parents are still throwing birthday parties reminiscent of the 1970s and 80s, I was intrigued and to be honest, a bit hesitant. A child’s birthday party here still consists of cake, maybe a few snacks, a couple of presents under €15 and the chance for the kids to run around. After my oldest son’s first birthday party extravaganza (a Nijntje theme affair with over hundred people in the Chapel hall of the Utrecht Central Museum, complete with a catered buffet of 12 courses and a dessert bar), I started to have a change of heart. He’s a highly sensitive boy who prefers the more intimate setting of a Dutch birthday party – cozy and in the comfort of his own home. And if I was really honest with myself, the party was more to fulfill my aspirations of becoming a domestic goddess.

 

Now that I’m a working mom of two, I just don’t have the time and energy to go all out either. Not to forget to mention that most of our disposable income goes towards rent, food, and clothes.

 

Here are Some Tips on How to Throw a Classic (Dutch) Children’s Birthday Party


Limit the number of guests to the child’s age
It might initially seem a bit heartless not to invite the entire class and all the neighborhood kids, but keeping the number of guests small is guaranteed way of ensuring a down-to-earth, low-key affair. Also, the guests spend no more than ten euros on a gift, so there’s no competition or pressure there.

Limit the number of hours
Two hours of celebrating are more than enough. The idea is not to make it exhausting and overwhelming for the child.

Flag banners for decorations
Either make them yourself with your child or invest in some good quality flag banners that you can use for future parties (and other celebrations). For the Dutch, nothing screams “birthday” like hanging a flag banner.

Procure a cake and don’t forget the birthday candles
Either bake a cake with your child or allocate the cake baking to the local cake expert. A lot of children love baking, and you’re creating memories with them.

Sing Happy Birthday and blow out the candles

This is the anticipated highlight of any children’s birthday party – the Happy Birthday song and blowing out the candles. It’s really that simple. It’s worth mentioning that the Dutch have an affinity for getting into a circle formation whenever they get together. I suspect it’s intentionally done to make sure everyone feels included.

Bonus points
Dutch school teachers traditionally make the children paper birthday crowns. The kids love them because it makes them feel like royalty for the day (as seen in the picture above). You can make it a family tradition too!

 

The moral of the story is that children’s birthday parties should be something that we all look forward to without anxiety. If you’re one of the perfect moms of the internet and have the privilege of time, energy, and financial resources at your disposal – rock on with your budding Martha Stewart self! I’d love to follow you on Instagram (seriously!). But if you are lacking in some of these areas, or just simply can’t be bothered, keep in mind that low-key birthday parties are how the happiest kids in the world celebrate their special day.
Regardless of how you decide to celebrate your child’s special day, what’s most important is that your child knows that she is loved.  A great way is by focusing on the aspects of togetherness, and letting your child know how much they mean to you. The goal is to make it a gezellig atmosphere – an untranslatable Dutch word that embodies the feeling one gets when they feel love, and a special connection with others around them. A simple hug, the words “I love you,” and “Happy Birthday” go a long way. And I’m convinced that’s what children remember the most…