In less than two weeks, my son will officially be two years old. He wasn’t suppose to arrive until May, on my 30th birthday actually, but he made his entrance a month early. His special day also marks my two year anniversary into motherhood. And I’ve recently spent a considerable amount of time in anticipation of his birthday contemplating what being a mother is all about.
I’d like to figure out this mothering gig while my son is still young. The cliché “The days are long but the years are short “first uttered on Gretchen Rubin’s lips resonated deeply across the hearts of moms around the world and into mine. I’m determined (or perhaps more accurately delusional) to enjoy the highs and lows of motherhood, taking in the collective wisdom of mothers -especially the ones with the empty nests. After all, the most precious gifts of life is to have the grace to listen to the hindsight and unsolicited advice of others, the resolve to follow one’s intuition, and the fortitude to learn from one’s mistakes.
Being a mother in the Netherlands- the world’s epicenter for the happiest kids in the world– can be both inspiring and intimidating. With their world renowned pragmatism and tolerance, the Dutch have carved out a near perfect work-life-family balance that parents around the world would be envious of.
Modern day parenting, rife with the tensions of various recommended parenting styles can make parenthood outright confusing, especially when the philosophies are undeniably polarizing – stay-at-home moms versus working moms, attachment parents versus disciplinarians, helicopter parenting versus free-range parenting, and child-centered parents versus parent-centered parents.
Today’s parents have become the ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes burning exhausted, anxiety ridden generation in pursuit of fostering the elusive Pinterest-Facebook-Instagram-Twitter American childhood for their privileged offspring. Writer Bunmi Laditan struck just the right nerve in her article “I’m Done Making My Kid’s Childhood Magical” which described the empowering realization that “Parents do not make childhood magical. Abuse and gross neglect can mar it, of course, but for the average child, the magic is something inherent to the age.” Suffice to say, we’ve made parenting a lot harder on ourselves than our parents and grandparents ever did.
Whether we choose to be inspired by infamous tiger mommy Amy Chua, hands-free mama Rachel Macy Stafford, sophisticated alá French parenting Pamela Druckerman, or down-to-earth Dutch parenting (what I’m advocating for), chances are that our children will grow up just fine. Though to be perfectly fair, the underlying goal of all these parenting philosophies is essentially the same: to raise children into well-adjusted, balanced, productive, happy adults.
So here are some insights and observations I’ve collected during my two year journey into motherhood in the Netherlands, the kind influenced by Dutch pragmatism and American sentimentality (warning: full of clichés):
Everyone judges, mothers often being the most notorious. Don’t believe those who say otherwise. Judging is a natural reflex and sometimes an essential filter for survival. It’s why we’re given an intuition and are encouraged to listen to it.
However, compassion, kindness and empathy goes a long way. When you see another mom struggling with a cholically newborn, or a toddler throwing an epic tantrum, consider giving her an understanding nod, or comment on how precious her child is. What you give to the universe is often what you receive back in return, often in three-fold.
Sleep-deprivation is the universal Achilles heel of parenting babies, toddlers and young children. Getting 8 hours of continuous, uninterrupted sleep would be like winning the lottery.
The way you talk to your children and about yourself becomes their inner voice. Be mindful that you are their first teacher and the lessons you teach them stay with them.
All the other parents around you are also learning about parenthood as they go. As children, we’ve suspected that our parents didn’t have a clue, but can only confirm it once we became parents ourselves. Everyone else is faking it until they make it, some doing it more confidently than others.
Actually, it’s when we become mothers ourselves that we need our own mothers even more. Bless those motherless mothers who find the fortitude for mothering without a map. I am one of them, I would know.
There are no absolutely perfect mothers and fathers. Not the kinds that we’ve fabricated in our Pinterest pins and Fakebooked. Striving to be a good enough parent might be the key to being a happier parent and raising a happy kid. The Dutch would know. It’s a culture where overall acceptance of averageness is ingrained in the psyche- “Doe maar gewoon, dat is al gek genoeg” (Just be normal, that is crazy enough). They deserve serious street credibility for raising happy kids into happy adults.
Irrational and inappropriate (public) displays of emotions from little people come with the territory. The best investment you and your family can make is not in the Apartment therapy worthy nursery but rather parenting communication classes. The investment will pay off from the toddler to the teen years, long after that nursery has been long been the victim of bodily functions, writings, and other abuses of your growing child and thrown away.
Love your child for who he/she is. Parent him/her accordingly.
Having a regular set schedule your children can make the early years so much easier and more enjoyable. Listen to the cues of your child and plan his eat-play-nap schedule around it. And the moment you learn to embrace taking the two hour afternoon naps along with your toddler, you’ll be looking forward to it everyday. Doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and cleaning the house can all wait.
Playdates, especially for the three and under are more for the parents and less about the children. Spending undistracted, regular time reading to them, singing and teaching them songs, playing ball and taking walks may be better time spent in the long run. You and your child will both be grateful for it.
Let your child play outside. There’s a world full of magic, wonder and beauty for you and him to explore. And as soon as they can walk, they’re ready to get on their own walking bike.
Don’t forget to take time for yourself. Don’t make yourself a martyr. Let go of the irrational guilt which often accompanies motherhood.
Remember the importance of dating your partner-in-crime husband/boyfriend/wife. Remember to take the time to love him too. Your love for one another will make this parenting business a whole lot easier and lot more fun.
Build your tribe. Whether it includes grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, an au pair and/or a collection of kindred (parent)friends, you’re going to need them. An extra pair of helping hands can be a sanity saver if you have an entrepreneur husband and thousands of miles away from supportive family.
Revel in the quirks of your child. Don’t forget to keep a journal of the things they said. Their words will make you laugh, cry and fall in love with life all over again. Treasure their innocence and keep it safe in the pages for them to read when they’re older.
It’s definitely okay to eat chocolate sprinkles (occasionally) for breakfast. The Dutch call it hagelslag. And pancakes for dinner are acceptable too.
Your whole world has ultimately changed the moment you welcome your child in your arms. Whether or not you believe in God and a heaven, the life that you have with your family is the life that you’ll want to have forever. Record the milestones and the pageants, but also don’t forget to document the random every-day events. You never know what these kids will remember and it’s often the ordinary that stays closest to their hearts.
And last but not least, you are mom enough. No matter what.
